Why I Read At Work

Over the last couple of years I've realized that I get more reading done while I'm working than anywhere else. There's too much at home to distract me: the television and the endless entertainment given by Netflix, my computer and the wonderful array of blogs about books, and of course Ivan, who can simply be called The Cat Who Hated the Kindle.

At work there are no such distractions, actually there are few distractions at all. I can just open the Kindle, set it next to my desk and in minutes I'm whisked away to whatever world I want. And when the boss walks by, that nifty round button at the bottom of the Kindle quickly turns the screen black.

If you haven't noticed- I'm an exemplary employee.

More recently though I've realized the reason behind my drive to read while reading. Beyond the fact that I would just rather be reading, I also have found that my job actually makes me more than just a little nutty and while I'm there reading helps prolong the eventual (and inevitable) snap in my brain that transforms me from a mildly irritable, foul mouthed, wench to a more than slightly homicidal, disgruntled, testicle munching troll.

Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that I am not alone in my frustrations in my job, but I have an outlet to release these frustrations and I plan on taking complete advantage of it.

I work as a telemarketer. No, I am not the one that calls your house to sell you a credit card as you're sitting down to eat a lovely meal with your family (not that anyone still does that). I work for a decent sized company that publishes some information. Because I want to continue to work there after I publish this post, I will not be including the name of our company or any of our products.

I have been working there for roughly three years, which for the job is a long time I'm referred to as a 'vet' - which simply means that I am too lazy to find a job that doesn't make me want to kill anything that crosses my path, including adorable small dogs and all of my coworkers.

When I started this job I was a telemarketer in the truest sense of the word. I made cold calls to people and did my best to make them believe I had a product that the just couldn't do their job without, even though they had been for the last 15 years.

After about two years I got promoted. The new job was easier, made me more money, and meant that all-in-all I had to do less work. Less frustration right? Wrong. Now the list of people I dream of slaying as I lay my head down next to my bat-shit-crazy cat includes 98% of our customers.

See-now I call those customers who were lucky enough to have purchased our products. My job? Ask them if they want to do it again.

In my experience the longer a customer has been with us, the lower the IQ.

Here are just a few examples of what my team deals with on a day to day basis. And because I love them, and Mike is away, all of our products will be represented by sex toys.

Example 1: 2 Year Customer

ME: hi there Susan, my name is Sharyla from Sex Toys R Us
SUSAN: Yes!?!? What do youuuu want?!?
ME: Well Susan, you've been receiving our fuzzy handcuffs twice a month for the last 2 years and-
SUSAN: Oh no I have not!
ME: Uh...yes you have.
SUSAN: Most certainly not.
ME: Are you sure? They are silver with red and white fuzz all over them.
SUSAN: I'm positive I do not receive those, I swear on my dogs life!
ME: Okayyyy...well..you paid 300 dollars a year to receive our fuzzy handcuffs of awesome....soo...ummm..
SUSAN: *heavy sigh* Well...let me look.
                             ~sounds of handcuffs rustling on her desk~
SUSAN: ALL I have are sets of these handcuff things.
ME: Are they silver?
SUSAN: Yes.
ME: Do they have fuzz?
SUSAN: Yes
ME: Is that fuzz by any chance red and white?
SUSAN: Yes.
ME: yeah...that'd be what I'm talking about. You've been getting those twice a month for 2 yea-
SUSAN: OH YEAH!! For like 2 years!!! I LOVE THESE they make my life AWESOME!!

Example 2: 4 Year Customer
ME: Hello there John, this is Sharyla from Sex Toys R Us, you've been receiving our neon green butt plug for the last 4 years....
JOHN: Yes.
ME: Okay, well we were calling to let you know your subscription is up and to ask if it's been helpful
JOHN: I don't know.
ME: You don't know? You've been receiving that neon green butt plug 2 times a month for 4 years...
JOHN: Yeah...but I haven't used the last 2 I received so I don't know.
ME: Right....uh...were the previous 90 helpful?
JOHN: OH YEAH!!! They really rocked my world!
ME: ::sigh of relief:: Oh good, I'm glad John. Do you want to renew your subscription?
JOHN: No, I don't think so...I never did use the last 2...
ME: but...but..you LOVED them. 90 of them!
JOHN: I just don't know if they are useful.....

Example 3: (this includes my coworker, who we will all call Samita) 3 Year Customer:
SAMITA: Hi Jenny, this is Samita from Sex Toys R Us. You've been receiving our Naughty girls Do Tahoe Adult DVD's for the last 3 Years...
JENNY: WELL! I was and I paid for it last year but then you just quit sending them! Since you didn't send them, I don't want to renew!
SAMITA
JENNY: Um, NO. We moved 6 months ago!
SAMITA: Did you call our customer service department and let them know of the address change?
JENNY: No.
SAMITA: Right...well that'd be why you haven't been getting your porn. Do you want to renew?
JENNY: No. You're company quit sending them to me, and even though I love them and can't live without them, I don't want to continue to do business with you because you are not psychic and didn't change the address.

But my friends, what is worse than our customers, their secretaries. Now, don't get me wrong, they're doing the job they are meant to do, but so are we. We are naturally at odds, like the lion and the wildebeest, oil and water, or Wal-Mart shoppers and clothing.
It is IMPORTANT to know, so you don't hate me, that I am SUPER nice to all administrative assistants OUTSIDE of my work. But while I'm sitting in front of that computer 6-8 hours a day, I want them all to just...die.

Here are some sweet examples of the lovely wench-faces ladies, and sometimes men on the other end of my line:

Example 1:
ME: Hi! Is Ray Jenkin's in?
SEC: No, he no longer works here
ME: Oh, I'm sorry. Who took over his position?
SEC: I'll transfer
                       As our fearless leader always says THIS WILL NEVER BE THEIR NAME

Example 2:
ME: Hi! Is Stewart Stankerpants in?
SEC: May I ask who's calling?
ME: Sharyla, from Sex Toys R Us.
SEC: Okay, please hold
                         one minute later
SEC: What was your name again?
ME: Sharyla
SEC: From?
ME: Sex Toys R Us
SEC: Okay
                       two minutes later
SEC: What company are you from?
ME: *very slowly* Sex...Toys...R...Us
SEC: Can you hold?
ME: Yes...............
                      one minute later
SEC: And how do you spell your name?
ME: S-H-A-R-Y-L-A
SEC: Okay
                     transfers to voice mail
ME: Fuck...my...life...

Example 3: 2 Year Customer
(Again with Samita, but this is MY personal favorite)
SAMITA: HI- is Mike Jones available?
SEC: Can I ask who is calling?
SAMITA: Samita, from Sex Toys R Us
SEC: He doesn't take these kinds of calls.
SAMITA: I'm calling regarding his current account ma'am
SEC: I'll transfer you to voice mail
SAMITA: Ma'am, if he is busy I can just try back. I can't leave a message because I work off a direct dial line.
SEC: Well I'll just keep transferring you to voice mail
SAMITA: Ma'am I NEED to speak with him.
SEC: Why?
SAMITA: Because he has a PAID account with us.
SEC: No he doesn't.
SAMITA: Um...yes ma'am, he does.
SEC: What for then?
SAMITA: He's received the Blow Up Sheep & Lube Kit twice a month for the last 2 years.
SEC: *laughs* Oh, well I've been throwing that away EVERYtime it comes.
SAMITA: Well...I hope not, because he's paid $300 dollars a year for it for the last two years.
SEC: Ohhhhhh he has has he??
SAMITA: Yes...yes he has.
SEC: ......oh.....well...I'll...um...I'll just have to talk with him about that.
SAMITA: Yeah...I'll just try back another time.

And this my dear readers, this is why I read at work. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me from screaming into the phone:

I KNOW WHERE YOU FUCKING WORK!! CONTINUE TO BE A BITCH.....I WILL FIND YOU

So I want to thank the authors out there who can take me to other worlds, where the kickass heroine can defend herself with a big shiny sharp sword, or the hero is a 6'5" monster of AWESOME full of sexual tension and just the right amount of emotional deficiencies.

I want to thank the bloggers who help me find awesome books, by posting rockin' reviews, and coming over here to our blog to tell us how awesome our reviews are.

And just so that everyone knows. I must be a sadist because I love my job.